Cut-Price Bidforth Hats >>>>>>>>>>>>>- BORNEO DIARY 19/06/2002
I cleaned the cupboard today. Mopped and disinfected the floor and dusted the shelves. I might be locked in a small,dark cupboard, deprived of my freedom, starving and imprisoned by a not very convincing transvestite, but at least it's a small, dark, lemon fresh cupboard.
+++UPDATE++++ I am tired and frustrated, I've been shouting out for over an hour and got no response, so after I upload this message, I'm going to try and break through the floor with the mop and escape that way.
18/06/2002
I broke out of my cupboard last night and tried to jump ship, but was hit over the head with some sort of giant spatula by the woman who bought me. She's deceptively strong. While I was being dragged semi-conscious back to my cupnoard, I noticed stubble on her face and legs, an adam's apple and the sort of body odour you generally associate with swamps, so either she's a man or she's from Canada.
She/he locked me back in the cupboard and I'm sat here now typing in my boilersuit. I don't understand why she gave me a boilersuit and cleaning products if she just wants me to sit in a locked cupboard.
17/06/2002
While I was vomiting rat into the sea last night I had a sudden flash of mental clarity. I've been trying to live like a begger, like a homeless vagrant instead of the honourable traveller people know Marlowe Bidforth to be, so I've decided to take decisive action. I'm going to get myself looking as presentable as possible and try to get to know some of the dock people. I don't speak the language, I'm not familiar with local customs and I smell of urine, so I've got as much chance of making some new friends as most British holidaymakers have.
I shaved and washed this morning in the sea, then tried to arrange passage on one of the outgoing boats. I stood in a line for a while, and then someone pushed me onto a wooden stage in front of a crowd. There was a lot of pointing and shouting. A man with a long grey beard kept shouting out at the crowd, it was a bit like an auction. Then a large woman with expensive clothes gave some notes to the bearded man, grabbed my arm and dragged me across the docks and onto her barge. She has given me a boilersuit and some cleaning material. I tried to ask what she wants and she just slapped me, so I'm sat typing this in a damp dark cupboard.
I think I've just been sold into slavery.
The barge started moving just now, but the cupboard door is locked and I'm unable to see where we are going. The battery is flashing as low so I'll conserve power and log off for now.
16/06/2002
So very cold tonight. Sleeping in a couple of inches of water has given me the cramps.
I sat on a street corner with a "Homeless, hungry backpacker" sign most of this morning and not a single person gave me any money. Then I realised that no-one here reads english so I changed the sign to a picture of a mouth with a finger pointing to it and was beaten up by some skinheads.
Fortunately I'd stashed my backpack in a skip and the only thing damaged was me.
By an incredible stroke of luck, one of the skinheads dropped their mobile phone, so I'm able to upload this diary again until he reports it as missing. The phone also has a game called "snake" so I am able to keep my mental agility honed by playing that.
BORNEO DIARY
